


help me up

by megiaolf



Series: Prompts [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, Hurt/Comfort, Labels, M/M, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 12:47:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14716340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/megiaolf/pseuds/megiaolf
Summary: Dan expresses doubt about his sexuality.





	help me up

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Dan and Phil talk about not being straight for the first time (in 2009).

Phil is eating his bowl of cereal and waiting for Dan to come back. Dan had logged in, taken one look at Phil’s food and remembered he hadn’t eaten anything since morning. Phil had coaxed him to go get some food, talking could wait. But it’s been ten minutes and he doesn’t think making a quick bowl of cereal should take this long. Something is wrong. He contemplates calling him on the phone, but it feels like a bit of an overkill. He doesn’t want to overwhelm Dan by being too clingy.

So he waits. Another ten minutes pass. He swirls the milk and dredges of cereal in the bottom of his bowl. He could just close the call and go about his day; he has stuff to do. But he doesn’t. This is Dan time and he’s been looking forward to this since last night. He has stories to tell. Also, closing the call on the face of the bear Dan has propped in front of the screen to keep him company feels wrong. Rude. What would the bear think?

So he waits and waits some more. It’s almost an hour later when Dan comes back. Phil had dozed off but he shoots right up when he notices movement on the screen.

Dan looks surprised, “You’re still here? I thought you’d have left by now.”

“Can’t get rid of me this easy.” Phil rubs his eyes and squints at the screen.

Dan also looks sad, forlorn.

“You needn’t have waited Phil. I wouldn’t have minded.” His voice is soft. Raw. Like he’s been crying. Or shouting. Phil can’t tell. He wants to ask but he isn’t sure he’d like the answer.

“That’s fine Dan. Did you get something to eat at least?”

Dan sighs and looks down at his hands. “Not really. Didn’t get the chance. Not hungry anymore.”

“Want to talk about it?” Phil asks. He hates asking Dan this question. He hates how closed off Dan becomes after it, how he plasters on a fake smile and says there’s nothing to talk about even though his eyes tell a different story. How he changes the subject and pretends there’s nothing wrong. How stoic he becomes.

But Phil still tries. He doesn’t want to push Dan but he has a pretty clear idea about what’s wrong and he knows that the only way out is through. He wants to help but he doesn’t know how.

“Not really,” Dan mumbles.

That’s progress. He’s at least acknowledging that something is wrong. Phil wants to give him a hug, but before he can say anything, Dan is talking again.

“It’s just--promise you won’t judge me?”

He looks so young and vulnerable, Phil’s heart breaks a little. He wishes he could wrap him up in his arms and protect him from the world.

“Never,” Phil says solemnly.

“You’re gay right?” Dan asks. He looks scared.

Phil winces. He’d been expecting this, but it still feels like a callous intrusion.

“I’m attracted to guys, yes,” he answers measuredly. He reminds himself that Dan is scared and going through a crisis of his own and it’s not productive to bring up his own musings about labels and society right now. Those can wait for later.

“Right. So, how did you know? Like, did you always know growing up or was it a sudden revelation? How did you figure it out?” Dan wrings his hands together like he wishes he could pluck the right words out of thin air. Phil knows the feeling.

“It wasn’t really a big deal for me I guess, no grand moment of realisation. One day I noticed someone and I was like ‘whoa’ and that was that.”

“How was it different from girls, like what if girls are ‘whoa’ too?”

“Then they are ‘whoa’ too Dan. These aren’t mutually exclusive.”

“But it’s different isn’t it? It’s like, girls are given, I don’t have to think about it, at least I didn't use to have to--”, he stops mid sentence. “I’m not making any sense am I? Never mind.”

“No it’s fine. Go on. I’m here to help.” Phil pours as much compassion as he can muster into his voice. It seems to work.

“I’m just so confused you know. I don’t feel the same way about Elle like I used to. Like don’t get me wrong, I care for her a lot but it’s not like it used to be. It feels like I’m lying to myself and I don’t know if that’s just us growing up and changing or...y’know.”

Phil nods. He thinks he has the answers. He has an inkling why Dan’s feeling this way. He’s noticed the way Dan looks at him sometimes, the way he flirts with him without thinking about it, how he tilts the screen so it’s at a more flattering angle, how he sometimes puts on a show for him, a prettier smile that’s not quite genuine, but very photogenic, how he laughs a bit too hard at his jokes, but he also knows that it’s not a conscious decision, and he doesn’t want to drag attention to it and scare him. He’s already confused as it is.

“Yeah, that sounds like a hard time. I’m sorry Dan. Wish I could help, but that’s something you have to figure out by yourself.”

“I know.” Dan nods to himself.

“But I’m here, you know? And believe it or not I went through the same thing. It’s difficult coming to terms with this stuff, trust me. You can talk to me okay? Whenever you want. I don’t want you to feel like you’re alone.”

Dan smiles. "Thanks Phil.”

He still looks sad, but there’s an air conviction about him now.

“You’re welcome. Now will you tell me how you’re going to make up for the hour you left me waiting for your sorry ass? I felt abandoned.” Phil rubs his arms and pouts. He wants to lighten the mood. He feels like he’s made some progress but he still wants to talk to Dan. He hasn’t told him about the mime at the bus station yet.

“You’re such a child Phil.” Dan says. He looks fond, so very affectionate. Phil gulps. He wonders how people can be so oblivious to their own feelings when they’re crystal clear to others.

“Your mum’s a child. Now go get some food please. I don’t want to be responsible for your untimely demise due to starvation. I have loads to tell you and we’re already running late.”

Dan doesn't argue, he grins and nods. He settles the bear in front of the screen and Phil tells him he’ll put bees in his pants if he’s late again. Dan laughs and leaves.

Things aren’t perfect. Dan still doesn’t want to talk about where he was, who he was talking to, who stressed him out so much. But he has opened up some, and Phil is proud of him.

**Author's Note:**

> [link to fic on tumblr](https://megiaolf.tumblr.com/post/174092103734/i-wish-you-would-write-a-fic-where-dan-and-phil)


End file.
